Me And Anthony

"As you move through this life and this world, you change things slightly; you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life--and travel--leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks--on your body or on your heart--are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt."

I just got back from a raucous meal of pork. Just pork. Samgyeopsal they call it here. Korean BBQ they call it there. With the mandatory soju bottles and beer.

I don’t know why but I got to thinking about Anthony Bourdain and how he’d of loved the joint I was eating at, loved barbequing at the table and eating large amounts of pork belly downed with shots of soju.

Watch as a video on my YouTube channel or read below. Thx!

I first heard of Anthony Bourdain long ago when I was hiding away in Europe, trying to be a writer, failing at almost everything. I was immediately hooked and became fascinated by his shows, his books, his style, and his overall persona. He was everything I wanted to be: a chef, a traveler, a writer, and a rebel. His unapologetic attitude towards food, life, and everything in between, inspired me to follow my dreams and pursue my own passions.

Over the years, I followed his career closely, from his early days as a line cook to his rise to fame after Kitchen Confidential and then as a TV personality roving the world. His love of Marseille, was my love too.  I admired his willingness to take risks, his curiosity about the world, and his ability to connect with people from all walks of life. He was an icon, an authentic voice that I yearned to be. He was a man who would look you in the eyes and tell things to you straight up.  He loved fine food and he loved his In N Out Burgers. A complicated but authentic palate and mind.

I often fantasized about meeting Anthony. He walks into the room, a restaurant of my choosing in Corsica, Chez Serafin. I’m sitting, watching him. My 4th glass of red already in me. And like Boswell commenting on Napoleon, I say, “Now, there goes a man!”

As much as I admired Anthony Bourdain, I also knew he had his demons. Like I had and have my own.  He looked after his body but also suffered from hard hangovers. Me too. He experienced addiction, depression, and a sense of loneliness that seemed to haunt him even as he traveled the world and met countless people. Me too. Nothing could fill that existential void.  He seemed to have it all but he didn’t have what he really wanted, peace of mind.  It’s a big lesson for us all. He was a complex, troubled man, and that tragic aspect of his life, even made him more enchanting to me.

“It is by an extreme capacity for defiance that certain unusual people who have everything to hope and everything to fear from one another, will always recognize one another.” — Andre Breton, “Nadja”

When he went over to the other side in 2018, I was devastated. It felt like I had lost a friend, even though we had never met in person. I know his suicide was a shock to many people, but for me, it was a personal tragedy. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself, and it made me dig deeper into myself and my own issues.  Love, crazy love, can do many things to a person – Anthony went all in. His one-time river card never came.

But as time went on, like it always does, I began to reflect on Anthony Bourdain's life and character. I realized that his legacy was much more than just his fame and his struggles. His legacy was of a man who lived life on his own terms. He followed his heart and his gut. He challenged the status quo, and inspired so many people to be authentic, real, true.  He was a kind of modern Albert Camus. I think he’d like that comparison.

Anthony loved food, travel, and culture, but more importantly, he also loved people. People were his source of energy, however contradictory that may sound, given his shyness and troubled personality. He was a man who understood that the best way to understand the world was to talk to the people who lived in it, to eat the food they ate, and to see the world through their eyes. People gave Anthony a reason to go on.

Respecting people and the journey. I think that's what made Anthony Bourdain so special to so many people. He wasn't just a celebrity chef or a travel show host. He was a storyteller, a philosopher, a cultural ambassador. He was a man who believed that the world was worth exploring, and that the people in it were worth knowing. He was a man who wasn't afraid to be vulnerable, to admit his mistakes, to show his wounds and scars. He lived life in a messy fashion because that is what life is, organic, crooked.

Anthony also stood up for people.  He had the backs of so many.  For Argento and her struggles as a woman. I think of his visit to my beloved Nicaragua, his calling out the dictator there.  He was a voice of courage – I remember well his words for Palestine and his scorn for the machine suppressing their freedom and dignity.  He would not like the thug Russian leaders of today, he took the time to meet Nemtsov before they wacked him. He spoke his mind and tried to live life on his own terms. He had standards, he didn’t suffer fools gladly.  He was a Jesus figure, in a crazy but so sane way.

Anthony took his own life.  I respect that immensely. He was a man living and dying on his own terms, as much as he could.  I’m reminded of Breton’s own words about taking the leap …

“ To avoid the unlivable is not to flee life but to throw oneself into it totally and irrevocably. “  Andre Breton, Inaugural Break

Even though Anthony's gone, I feel like he's still with me, in some strange way. We are the same age and when I watch him in his later years – I see a mirror of myself.  The mop of gray hair, how he holds his head, his mannerisms and irreverence.  I have an enduring connection.

Often these days, I turn to his quotes to lift me up. They speak directly to me.  I’ll watch an episode of Parts Unknown, munching on some junk food and after – I’m reborn, alive, ready to face the world.  His spirit is there, in the way I approach my own life. His legacy remains too, in the hearts of the millions of people who were touched by his life and his work.

So, to Anthony Bourdain, wherever he may be, I say thank you. You did what everyone has to do while here in this dream we call life, pay it forward, help others, be a shining light, not a dull, burning coal. He once said,

Nice words. In 3 words – Seize the day.  It’s there waiting for you. Go. Now.

P.S. Currently I want to retire but I like Anthony, I can’t. Just trying to find a way to pull the plug or tather, find where that plug is at.

On retirement -  “I gave up on that. I’ve tried. I just think I’m just too nervous, neurotic, driven.  I’m quite sure I can’t. I’m going to pretty much die in the saddle.”

On wisdom - Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.

On Life - Things got broken. Things got lost. But I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. The journey is part of the experience – an expression of the seriousness of one’s intent. One doesn’t take the A train to Mecca.